【Diary】the fiction of the ego

Lately, I've been watching Atsuko Asano's Battery anime. The main character, a boy named Takumi Harada, is selfish due to his talent, but he has an honest and strong personality. He was watching the Battery anime and was attracted to Takumi Harada's straightforwardness. In the anime, the adults, classmates, and club members around Takumi clash with his selfishness, but they are drawn to him by his seriousness. When I saw this work, I thought about whether there was anything straight about me.

I thought I was honest. I think straightness is similar to honesty, but even if my image was honest, it wasn't straight and was rather distorted. I thought about the reason.

The reason is that I have not lived an honest life. Ever since I could remember, people would hate me if I showed my true self, so I tried to wear a mask when interacting with many people. However, since he wasn't very good at repairing himself, his mask quickly came off and he only revealed his true self in front of a few kind people who didn't mean him any harm. I was afraid of being disliked in front of many other people, so I put on a mask and got involved in a shallow way. Eventually, he got tired of it and started avoiding contact with many people. I couldn't trust myself. This is because while wearing a mask, they easily lie to make themselves look good and change their opinions to suit those around them. Battery's Takumi was the complete opposite of me; he was so solid in his thoughts that he didn't even think about being disliked in the first place, and he was sincere about his desires without fear of conflict. For over ten years, I ignored my feelings and desires and continued to lie to myself. They say that if you can't trust yourself, you can't trust others either, and that's true. Because you think that the other person basically hates you, you can't trust the other person, and you can't express yourself honestly. That's why I can't form relationships with people. Full of such deceit, my face, posture, and personality became distorted, my straightness and sincerity disappeared, and I became a weak person who lived like a rootless plant, worrying about those around me and trying not to be disliked. It's a relief that I've been conscious of my face and posture lately. Effort is important.

Now I want to apologize to my body. I'm really sorry for not being able to take care of the body that my mother gave birth to and grew up with the love of her parents. Dear Kokoro, I'm sorry for not trusting myself and planting negative thoughts. I'm sorry for forgetting my purity and seriousness. I'm sorry for contorting my face, I'm sorry for only being able to make a pained expression, and I'm sorry for not stretching my back and making you tired.

As I was writing this, I suddenly thought about this. What do I usually do? I wonder why I live so weakly, afraid of something I shouldn't be afraid of. Why can't we just focus on ourselves and be kind to those around us? What I think here is that an ideal is still an ideal, and it is difficult to realize it in reality. However, just by holding on to your ideals and deciding on the direction you should take, your daily life will be enriched. Being kind to others is just an ideal. However, even elementary school students are unable to do this simple task, and moreover, they often forget it.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be kind to people. Because I want to genuinely interact with the people around me rather than focusing on myself. Starting tomorrow, I will refrain from lying to make myself look good, or from building walls in my heart and shutting myself down first. I thought this because I was tired of focusing on myself and protecting myself. I thought I was protecting myself, but I wasn't even attacked in the first place. Direct damage to the body would be considered an attack, but the ego doesn't take attacks in the first place. Because we believe that there is an ego itself.